My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. I’ve just arrived home from spending 12 days with him and his family. I was fine. Leaving him was fine. Spending 8 hours on planes and inside airport terminals was fine. Arriving home and messaging him was fine. But then I found a letter that he had wrote to me while I was in the shower that morning.
I love you. Please don’t cry. I don’t like seeing or knowing you are hurting. I will always love you no matter what. Just don’t forget that, okay?
I am trying not to cry as I am writing this because you are leaving today. The thing that makes me so sad is the fact that I don’t get to be with you. Because when I am, it’s so incredible and I only have you for a little while every now and then. It fucking sucks.
Just remember that I am always here for you and will do anything I can to make you happy. I love you so much Emily, don’t you EVER forget that.
I’ll miss you. Quick, you just got out of the shower gotta sneak it in your bag hehe. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I always have and I always will.”
I opened that letter 3-4 hours ago and I still haven’t stopped crying. And not just a few tears here and there. I have been hysterically crying. It may not seem much to anybody else but what he said means the world to me.
We’ve known each other for 4 years, but only have been dating for 16 months. Nonetheless, it took me no time at all to figure out how in love I am with this boy. He is everything I’ve ever truly wanted in a partner. He is someone who I can trust, who respects me completely, who can make me smile no matter how mad/upset I am. It’s hard because I want to be able to write forever about him but nothing I say could ever amount to how truly amazing he is.
Long distance relationships are hard enough but I know I make it even harder on him. I have severe depression. I have days where getting out of bed feels like the hardest thing in the world. He doesn’t understand it, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to help me. What he really doesn’t understand, though, is that he doesn’t even have to try. His normality is so refreshing that when I am simply with him, I am full of laughter and happiness. I’m full of life. But that’s all cut short when I have to leave again and go back to waiting for more months to pass so I can go back to him.
As I said before, it’s hard. It becomes harder to leave him each time. It becomes harder to fall asleep alone and to not wake up to his good morning kisses. It becomes harder to have something happen during your day and wish he was there to share it with. Yet, it also becomes easier. Each time I leave him, it’s becoming one less time that I have to catch a plane to see him. In 6 months we can finally start to put together an idea of when we can live in the same state. Even the idea of an idea is exciting because at the moment we have no direction. We love and want one another but we have no clear, set future. It’s scary but we both trust that the other wants this. It’s worth the tears and fights lead by our frustration. It’s worth the days we miss out on being with one another. It’s worth the jealousy of knowing others who are able to spend their day with the person we would do anything to be with. I’m excited to begin planning a life with you, baby. I’m excited to live it.
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