I ran down the stairs and out the back door, slamming it behind me. I didn’t bother to wear any shoes; I just had to get out of the house. The pain in my heart was unbearable, accompanied with an immense surge of bitterness and anger. I ran to the field at the back of the house where I used to escape from the world when I was a little girl, to write songs and say a little prayer or two. It was also the same field where Jim and I would hide in the tall grass and just talk and hold each other for hours. I never ventured out there since the accident. It was just too painful for me. I ran for a long time, not bothering to look back. And when I couldn’t run anymore I stopped and just stood there, catching my breath. There were no words that could explain the bitterness, the anger I was feeling. Hot, angry tears flooded down my face as I looked up at the sky.

                “Why did you leave me, Jim?” I screamed at the dark sky above. “How could you leave me like this?” I clenched my fists and kicked at the dirt.

                “I thought you were different! But I was wrong! YOU LEFT ME! You’re just like every other guy I’ve fallen in love with. They left! You left! You’re no different from them, Jim!” My throat hurt, but I didn’t care. “I hate you, Jim! I hate you! I wish we never met!” I fell to my knees. I was tired of all this. I wished everything would just end.

I sat on the cold earth, hugging my knees to my chest and breathing heavily. I never felt so alone before. I looked back on how, in this same field, Jim would hold me to his chest and rock me back and forth as I cried.

“Stop crying, love,” he’d whisper as he kissed the top of my head. I looked back on how life was for me before I met Jim. I felt like a ghost, transparent, drifting around everywhere and alone. I had no friends, I hated who I was, and I was always filled with hate and the desire to just end my life. Life wasn’t beautiful for me; all I saw was anger and impurity. My father constantly cheated on my mother, while my mother was consumed by drugs. My life was down the drain and I had no desire to live it any longer. But then Jim came along and he changed everything. I was in the field writing another song when a beautiful dark-haired boy emerges through the tall grass, sporting a puzzled look as he caught sight of me. Since then, I no longer felt alone. I had Jim, and life felt worth living once more. He saved me.

But my world came crashing down when Jim was hit by a drunk driver as we were crossing the street. He fell right in front of me, his hand slipping away from mine. I stared down at Jim’s beautiful face, his eyes open without seeing. All the breath was knocked out of me and nothing mattered anymore except for him. I knelt down beside him and kissed his cold lips and his bloody face.

“Jim?” Tears rolled down my face as I tried to get him to respond. I cupped his face between my warm hands and touched my forehead to his. “Wake up, Jim. Please, just wake up.” I was oblivious to the screams, shouts, and sirens blaring around me, but it felt like the noise was from a far off place.

“Jim! I got in!” I screamed as he walked towards me. I had been waiting for him as soon as I got the letter of acceptance to the same college as he would be going to. I jumped up with excitement and ran to meet him, the letter tightly clutched in my fist. “Jim! Look, look! I have the letter!” I jumped into his open arms as he lifted me off my feet and spun me around. Before I could say anything else, he kissed me full on the mouth. It was the first kiss we shared. I wrapped my arms around my neck and kissed him back dropping the letter which was forgotten in that moment of pure bliss.

“You can’t leave me like this!” I held on to him as tight as I could, trying to chase the coldness away from his lifeless body. It was no use screaming for him to come back. He wasn’t coming back, but I willed my heart to keep trying. “We’re going to paint the tree house, Jim. Don’t you remember? You said we would.” I cradled his head and brushed the hair away from his eyes. Tears continued to stream down my cheeks, landing on his face. My clothes were stained with blood but I continued to hold him, like he always held me.

“Sweetheart, let go of him,” murmured a kind voice from far away, growing steadily louder.

“No,” I said firmly, clutching him tighter to me.

“There’s nothing you can do,” said the voice. I felt myself being pulled away from Jim, gripping his shirt in my clenched fists. “Let him go, sweetheart.” Rough fingers pried mine loose from the grip I had on him. I felt empty and dazed. Everything felt like a bad dream that I could never wake up from. A blanket was wrapped around my shoulders but it was no use. I was cold inside. The fire in my heart was put out, just as quickly as it was rekindled.

“Sweetheart, you can’t stay here,” the voice spoke again. I focused my eyes on the face looking at me with so much concern and love. My father looked much older, the joyful twinkle in his eyes were gone. I didn’t reply but just sat there without really seeing, just like Jim had. “Jim,” I whispered to the cold night air. A fresh wave of hot tears rolled down my cheeks but I didn’t bother brushing them away.

I felt my dad’s strong, rough arms hold me close to him, just like he had when I was a little girl. I felt like that little girl again: weak and helpless, relying on her dad’s warm embrace to make everything disappear. I buried my head in his chest and cried without restraint as my father rocked me back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I felt him stand up, lifting me up as he did. He carried me in his arms, as I slowly drifted away from the problems of the world surrounding me.

I lay down on the cold earth and hugged myself tighter to try and seal the gaping hole in my chest. All the anger slowly ebbed away, seeping into the moist damp ground. I gazed up at the stars, knowing in my heart that he was watching me. “Jim, I know you’re watching me right now,” she whispered to the stars. “I realize now you never stopped watching me.”

I unfastened the golden chain I wore around my neck. The necklace was the last thing Jim had given to me: a gold thin chain with a pendant of a musical note. I held it up in front of my eyes and watched it shine brightly from the light the heavens were providing. “I love you, Jim,” I whispered. “I love you with all my heart.” I paused and took a deep breath.

“But I need to let you go. You brought life back into me and I’m going to try and live it the best I can. I need to let you go but I’ll always love you, Jim.” I sat up again and looked at the ground around me. I knew what I had to do. I dug a little hole with my fingers through the soft, damp earth. “I’ll see you, Jim,” I said as I raised the chain over the hole. I loosened my grip on the necklace and it slipped from my fingers into the freshly dug hole. I covered the hole up and lay back down again. It was the first time in a long time since I felt peace. I closed my eyes and drifted off to a deep sleep, just as the sun started rising up on the horizon. 

by swishandflicker

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    Oh god…I almost cried….

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    reading this , &afterwards...don’t know why ,

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    reading this …

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    Heartbreaking. Just. Heartbreaking. Excuse...tissues. I’ve made quite

32. llaurengejuice reblogged this from fuckyeahhlove and added:

    snow patrol’s songs

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    powerful. This blew...Whoever wrote this,...loss, if this...

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    This is beautiful.

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